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Surviving the Holidays
Not to be an Ebenezer, but it bears stating that the holidays aren't universally merry or happy. Even if you're consistently in full-joy mode during the holidays, others in your family may not be so lucky. To these folks, the exhortation to have a happy Thanksgiving, a happy Hanukah, a merry Christmas, or a happy New Year, can feel less like a friendly affirmation than an impossible burden. Because holidays are intensely family focused, they can be a tremendous opportunity for warmth, connection, and comforting traditions on the one hand. On the other hand, however, this same family emphasis can highlight trauma, loss, and dysfunction for some.
For those who have experienced a loss-whether through divorce, a custody arrangement, death, etc.-the absence of someone normally central to the holidays can trigger feelings of profound grief. The abundance of food and emphasis on holiday feasting can be incredibly difficult for those suffering from an eating disorder. Many victims of abuse find themselves at uncomfortably close quarters with the uncle or cousin who abused them. Difficult relationships, dysfunctional communication styles, and navigating around old family secrets can leave sensitive family members with confusing and uncomfortable emotions.
So while the holidays are sheer joy for some, others experience them as a mixed bag and still others experience them as simply painful. Adults typically feel a certain pressure to suffer in silence in order to conform to holiday expectations of good cheer; this silence that can compound their feelings of isolation and discomfort. For teenagers, on the other hand, these confusing feelings can turbo-charge the urge to differentiate, accentuating behaviors that can range from isolation, to non-conformity, to outright defiance. The more aware we are of the emotional complexity of holidays, whether for us or for others, the better equipped we can be to both embrace and engender "peace on earth and good will toward men."
The following tips can help you use this awareness to make the holidays less stressful and more joyful for everyone.
Check Reality:
Our idea of how the holidays should go doesn't always match reality. Using memory as your guide, do a reality check regarding what holidays have actually been like for you and for others in your family. Doing this kind of mental and emotional inventory prior to the holidays can help you accept things as they are, which will in turn help you avoid disappointments and stress-inducing surprises. The more grounded and honest with yourself you can be, the more pleasant your holidays are likely to be. Checking in with yourself and with others can be helpful as well. If you discover difficult feelings buried under your holiday busyness, slow down and acknowledge those feelings. Just taking time to acknowledge and gently accept your own feelings as they are can be very helpful in reducing their power over you. Do the same with others. In a private moment, ask that quiet nephew or the slightly edgy mother in law how they're doing. Simply acknowledging someone's discomfort with a squeeze on the shoulder or a kind comment (but, generally speaking, without advice or attempts to problem solve) can go a long way for someone who's struggling.
Set Reasonable Expectations:
The holidays are a time, typically, of very high expectations; we tend to expect more of ourselves and of others in order to make the reality of the holiday match our fantasy. We tend to be sensitive, as well, to the high expectations of others-expectations to behave a certain way, to feel a certain way, to perform at a certain level, or to be involved in a particular manner. These expectations may be based on family tradition, childhood experiences, or spiritual beliefs. When our experience of the holidays consistently fails to match these expectations, it's more in our nature to try harder to reach those expectations than to adjust them. Lowering holiday expectations may sound defeatist to some, but it's actually an excellent strategy for improving not only your own experience, but the experience of those around you as well.
Have a Lifeline:
Arrange with someone you trust-whether a friend, a therapist, or a clergy person-to be your holiday lifeline. If you feel your levels of stress building to a point you're not comfortable with, give this person a call. Talking things out with a friend is a great alternative to duking things out with a relative! There are numerous support groups online and in most communities that can help you prepare for the holidays and also provide live support throughout. Type in the keyword for what you struggle with-grief, addiction, sadness, survivor-and "holidays" and you're likely to find a large number of resources to tap into. Some sites are better than others, so do your research before the holidays if possible and bookmark those resources you find helpful.
Visualize:
If there are specific triggers-whether people, places or things-that tend to set you off during the holidays, try envisioning those triggers and your own ideal, non-reactive response in advance. Imagine the trigger in detail. Imagine yourself in its presence and feel all the feelings that go along with encountering that cranky sister in law, that nostalgic holiday music, or the rum-spiked eggnog. Then imagine yourself engaging that trigger the way you want to, i.e. with presence, strength, and calm. A therapist with training in guided imagery can make this practice even more effective, helping you enter stressful situations with more confidence and skill.
Have a Plan:
Families entering the holidays with a member in or on the verge of crisis often choose to white-knuckle it through the season, hoping that the crisis will pass. Sometimes it does. Often, however, the stress of the holidays accelerates these potential crises. Perhaps the most common such situation involves a teenager struggling with drugs and/or alcohol, defiance, or emotional problems. Adolescent treatment centers tend to see a spike in enrollments just following major holidays because holiday-related stress can precipitate crisis. If you have a family member who may be on the verge of needing help, but you want to give the holidays a go prior to making a treatment decision, at least have a treatment plan in place prior to the holidays. Working out a detailed "just in case" treatment plan (ideally with the help of an educational consultant or mental health professional) will help you navigate the holidays with greater peace of mind. The more specific the plan, the more relaxed you're likely to be and the more equipped you'll be to help your child or another family member if they really need it.
