30 Days of Recovery
Hi, my name is Cecile F. and I’m the mother of a daughter who has addiction issues.
I’m also the daughter of a father who was an alcoholic from his teenage years until he died at the age of 52.
As a child I did not know my dad was an alcoholic, I had nothing to compare to. He would either get very angry, and I thought that we deserved it, or he would get sentimental and affectionate, which made me uncomfortable. I think that he was not himself when he was drinking. I did not like or trust the person he was when he drank. I feel that my dad’s drinking destroyed my family, while my mom watched and did nothing about it. I’m still angry about that.
It’s not always clear when a person is using drugs. When Chloe started using, I could sense that something was off. It’s like knowing without knowing. She was a master of hiding it, and looking back, she pushed me away maybe also so I would not see it.
When we realized that Chloe was doing drugs, we focused too much on the behavior and not why she was using. It’s hard to see what’s behind it.
Of course it scared me so much, because of my dad. I mean, face it, she has some of his genes, and also Chloe has always exhibited addictive behavior.
I was always scared that she would get into heavy drugs like heroin, cocaine etc.…I was scared that when she was high sometimes someone would take advantage of her.
This is a BIG part of why I sent Chloe to the wilderness program.
Her drug use was affecting everybody. She tried to “drag” her older brother into her bad habit, so that she would not trip alone, and later he started smoking by himself. She made him believe this is what fun is like, but his idea of having fun is completely different. Now he is having his “healthy” fun with his friends and is much happier!
Additionally, she was a terrible role model for her sister and the tension and drama at home was really affecting everyone. I was worried about what would happen with Lucie and I tried to protect her. Chloe told her the truth last week and I’m incredibly proud of her.
For me it was like holding sand in my hand. I could see it but as much as I was holding the sand it was escaping through my fingers, I could not stop it but simply watch.
Sometime I secretly liked when Chloe was high, she was not as uptight and she would be nicer, open up a little bit. But then I realized that it was not real, that all we talked about would be forgotten anyways.
I like to drink wine and beer. I’m aware that it’s in my gene also, and it’s in my husband’s family (his father was an alcoholic also) and I think about it often. If I crave wine (which I admit happens) I worry that I could become an alcoholic myself.
Alcohol is everywhere. It’s hard to avoid it. I’ve met some recovering alcoholics, friends, people I work with etc.…It’s easy to figure out even if they don’t tell me. But regardless of whether I like that person or not, I’m always extremely impressed that they quit and that they turned their life around. I look up to them.
Lastly, I try to be cool about people smoking weed. Secretly I really hate it, and I hate that it’s now legal in Colorado. I’m really not okay with it!
I would like Chloe to stay sober. For me to try to stop her, I realize, is useless because she has to be the one that wants to stay sober for herself. And not to please me.