Self-harm: Why does my daughter do it and what can I do to help?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Me: Why do you think that you self-harm?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Student: \u201cI like it.\u201d \u201cIt helps me feel better.\u201d \u201cIt makes me numb.\u201d \u201cIt helps me to feel something.\u201d \u201cI use it to punish myself.\u201d \u201cI use it to punish others.\u201d \u201cIt helps me understand my pain by putting it into something physical.\u201d \u201cIt is something that I can be good at.\u201d \u201cIt makes me feel tough.\u201d \u201cIt makes others notice me which proves to me that I am valuable.\u201d \u201cIt distracts me.\u201d \u201cThere aren\u2019t words strong enough to match what I am feeling but cutting can show what I am feeling and so I don\u2019t need words.\u201d \u201cMy friends do it and so I need to also.\u201d \u201cIt helps me know that I am alive.\u201d \u201cIt gives meaning to what I am feeling inside.\u201d \u201cIt just feels good.\u201d \u201cIt gives me something to talk about instead of my emotions.\u201d \u201cI can make my parents mad by cutting and then refusing their help or telling them I didn\u2019t when they know that I did.\u201d \u201cIt is cool.\u201d \u201cIt gives me something to hide and control.\u201d \u201cI want to have scars.\u201d \u201cIt proves to people that I am hurting a lot.\u201d \u201cIt keeps me from killing myself.\u201d \u201cIt is like I am wearing shoes that are painfully tight and I just can\u2019t take them off. Cutting is like allowing me to take the shoes off.\u201d \u201cIt helps me focus.\u201d \u201cIt lets me zone out and disassociate.\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know why I do it\u2026.I just do\u2026.and I don\u2019t want to stop.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Many of the students we work with at New Haven have a history of self-harming and, as noted in the above paragraph, their reasons for this are varied and complex. Unfortunately, the practice of self -harm is becoming more and more common among today\u2019s teens. For many of these teens it can become a strongly addictive, unhealthy way for them to deal with their emotional pain<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-harm can be carried out in many ways. The most common self-harm behaviors we see atNew Haveninclude cutting<\/a>, burning, and bruising. In addition, some kids will starve themselves or ingest chemicals as a way to create physical illness and pain. Self-harm in itself is generally not about suicide, and for most people is not intended as a way to kill oneself. Most frequently, self-harm is a way for someone to discharge emotional discomfort that she doesn\u2019t know how to manage in other ways. It is a very powerful force and it can be incredibly addicting and difficult to stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When trying to help a student who self-harms, I find it most effective to try to understand the role that the self-harm<\/a> is playing in her life. I often ask myself, is it a language through which the student can communicate her needs to others? Is it a way a student can turn on or off her feelings? Is it a way for a student to feel important, noticed, and unique within her family or peer group? Is it a way to self-punish and make up for feelings of worthlessness or self-hate? Once we can identify the needs that the self-harm is filling, we can work on finding other, more effective ways of getting those same needs met.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to finding out the role the self-harm is filling, it is important to help the student understand how her actions of self-harm will negatively affect her life in the future. I try to help the student see that the negative effects of self-harming will eventually outweigh its benefits even if it doesn\u2019t feel that way for them right now. I also try to teach her about how self-harm will damage the current and future relationships in her life. In my opinion, it is impossible to actively self-harm while also maintaining healthy, balanced relationships. Positive relationships need to be based on openness, trust, and honesty. Ongoing self-harm creates relationships based on distrust, co-dependency, and egg-shell walking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once a student sees the need and has the desire to stop her self-harm behaviors<\/a>, it is important to help her learn some tools she can use to break these difficult patterns. I try to teach the student that just because she experiences strong urges to self-harm at any particular moment doesn\u2019t mean that she \u201cneeds\u201d to self-harm to relieve the urge. She has a choice<\/a> whether or not to engage in that behavior. I want to empower her to see her self-harm urges as an annoying \u201cperson\u201d in her head that is just trying to talk her into self-harming. She doesn\u2019t have to listen to it and she can find other ways to manage the feelings such as talking with a friend, going for a walk, playing with an animal, practicing an instrument, etc. The discomfort of resisting the urge to self-harm won\u2019t last forever and she can learn to tolerate it and let it run its course. Additionally, I encourage the student to pick something positive in her life that she can immerse herself in, such as a hobby or volunteer<\/a> work. Self-harm has most likely filled a big part of her life and she will need something else to put in its place. Instead of focusing on not <\/em>doing something (self-harming), she can focus on doing <\/em>something new (a hobby or volunteer work). Lastly, I always want to let my students know that if she has a \u201clapse\u201d in a behavior it doesn\u2019t mean that she is a failure<\/a> and should give up. Many girls who self-harm tend to see things as \u201call or nothing\u201d and this can cause them to want to give up if they make a mistake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although it is a difficult behavior to deal with, self-harm can be understood and moved away from. Recovery is possible. Never give up!<\/p>\n\n\n\n By, Karolee Koller<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"