{"id":5011,"date":"2016-06-13T14:49:38","date_gmt":"2016-06-13T20:49:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newhavenrtc786.e.wpstage.net\/?p=5011"},"modified":"2024-03-06T11:30:32","modified_gmt":"2024-03-06T18:30:32","slug":"emotional-bank-account","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/parenting-teens\/emotional-bank-account\/","title":{"rendered":"The Emotional Bank Account"},"content":{"rendered":"

What\u2019s an Emotional Bank Account?<\/h2>\n

Imagine your emotions are all inside of a bank account. When you give your daughter a hug, it makes a deposit into her emotional bank account. When you hold a boundary with her, it\u2019s like making a withdrawal. As long as you keep putting enough positive things into the account, you can have firm rules and still \u201cstay in the black\u201d so to speak.<\/p>\n

Now imagine that your teenager is being disrespectful all the time. She\u2019s breaking curfew, sneaking out, and shouting at her siblings. It seems like she isn\u2019t even giving you a chance to make a positive emotional deposit, and suddenly your relationship has a \u201cnegative balance.\u201d How on earth do you show her love and care when she seems to be doing everything she can to push you away and make you angry?<\/p>\n

Making Deposits in the Emotional Bank Account<\/h2>\n

Here are some recommended ways to \u201cmake a deposit\u201d with your teen, even when they are pushing you away.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Acts of kindness-<\/a><\/strong> the last thing you want to do is be sweet to a cranky teenager, and often they respond as if they don\u2019t care. No matter how they react- this is a deposit!<\/li>\n
  2. Small Gifts-<\/strong> make it something personal. Just buying something shiny is not the answer, it needs to matter to them!<\/li>\n
  3. Physical Touch-<\/strong> You may be surprised that even in their most upset moments, some teenagers would appreciate physical touch. Playing with their hair, giving them a hug, or just sitting next to them with your arms touching can defuse tension and build rapport.<\/li>\n
  4. Compliments-<\/strong> put aside how frustrated you are with them and give them an honest compliment. Don\u2019t be fake! Even if it means saying something like \u201cI\u2019m still not happy with you for how you treated your sister, but I want you to know I\u2019m proud of your A on that chemistry exam.\u201d They don\u2019t have to be perfect to have your support. Make sure they remember that\u00a0even during tough times.<\/li>\n
  5. Gratitude & Love-<\/strong> Sometimes teenagers can convince themselves that having a fight means they are unloved or unwanted. Make sure they know how you feel.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    But, How Will They Learn?<\/h2>\n

    At this point, many parents are frustrated and say, \u201cIf I\u2019m nice after they break a rule, how on earth with they learn? Isn\u2019t that letting them walk all over me?\u201d If that\u2019s what you\u2019re thinking here are a few principles that may help you grasp WHY these positive \u201cemotional bank deposits\u201d work:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. It\u2019s not about you-<\/strong> Although you feel disrespected, remember that 9 times out of 10 it is not about you! Don\u2019t take it personally<\/li>\n
    2. A consequence is not a feeling-<\/strong> if you have punishments that fit the crime, there is no need to add negative emotions and tensions to the mix. Take their car keys, turn off the wifi, do whatever the consequence is and then let it go! Remembering this principle will help your child take accountability for themselves, and lets you go back to making \u201cpositive deposits\u201d right away!<\/li>\n
    3. Ask questions-<\/strong> The consequence is not the end of the story. Always make sure you figure out where they were coming from. Even if you don\u2019t agree with their reasoning, focus on the feelings! Showing that you care enough to ask is adding to the emotional bank account, as well.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      By following these guidelines and remembering to \u201cstay in the black\u201d with your kids, your relationships will get deeper! It\u2019s hard work, but you can create strong and healthy connections<\/a> with your kids, and things will get better.<\/p>\n

      —<\/p>\n

      By Jessica Jones, Residential Director at the Hobble Creek Campus of New Haven Residential Treatment Center<\/a><\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      What\u2019s an Emotional Bank Account? Imagine your emotions are all inside of a bank account. When you give your daughter a hug, it makes a deposit into her emotional bank …<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":5013,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[22],"tags":[289,54,262],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5011"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/33"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5011"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5011\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18610,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5011\/revisions\/18610"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5013"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5011"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5011"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newhavenrtc.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5011"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}